Leave Me a Loan!

I Have Tasted HELB and Tasted Branch, Tala and Fuliza... I Highly Recommend IMF and World Bank

May 30, 2025

**But Kenya imekuwa tinder, everyday more dates (debts)-** Octopizzo, Kich Ka’Liech

Deni-s?

I appended my final signature and submitted the loan for approval. As I walked out of the building, I found myself humming Craig David’s “I’m walking away from the troubles in my life.”

What would I do with Ksh 60,000? Offset the national debt. Improve Riggy G’s security detail. Give Peter Salasya Ksh 200 to have a fresh hair cut. Fuel a private jet to China and borrow more loans. And heck, buy a new wig for president’s daughter (SHA-lean). Ama namna gani?

Whoever said money talks wasn’t lying. This money hadn’t even hit my account, but I was already budgeting for it like it had. My life was about to change. Completely.

A few weeks later, I got a notification that I should check with my bank within 48 working hours, the funds were about to be disbursed. I smiled all the way to the bank, not to start my investment journey, but to consume.

That was 6 years ago.

Did I see the terms and conditions? Well, if I saw them, I didn’t read. And if I read, I definitely didn’t understand. So, what did I do with the money? Well, let’s just say I handled it the same way the funds for Kimwarer and Arror dams were handled - I ‘embezzled’ it.

Easy come, easy go.

I was a freshman. Kijana mdogo, before I met the kind of guys my parents told me to avoid. Back in high school I had straight A’s in almost everything including Business Studies. But when it came to my financial literacy, I couldn’t balance shit! (See what I did there?) I was “new money”. The only financial advice I had ever internalized came from P-Square: “Chop my money, 'cause I don't care”

HELB me Out

Marry in haste, repent in leisure. Campus life and the HELB money faded faster than a TikTok Challenge. Or to be more precise, it was a wantam affair.

Like every other graduate, I had dreams- big-paying jobs, fat cheques, the whole package. But what I am getting now? A whole lot of... reality checks. I started receiving constant notifications from them telling me that my loan was overdue. Just last week another threatening message popped up:

“Following the lapse of the 7-day notice, HELB is proceeding to engage your guarantors for the loan recovery”.

I have not refused to pay.

It’s just that finding a job that is permanent and pensionable, has proven harder than figuring out how “bobo” is a shortened form of “Wambui”. Aje sasa?

So, like most unemployed graduates in my situation, I did the only logical thing... I ignored the message. But I find solace in knowing that my government and I share one thing in common: We’re both in debt, and the good thing is? We’ve not defaulted (yet) like some of our peers.

I checked my “national debt” status and it was ...dangerously close to hitting Ksh 260,000. These days, I’m just surviving in the gig economy to make ends meet. Suppose I finally land an entry-level job earning 30,000 a month. Of course, give Caesar what belongs to Caesar, and by Caesar, I mean KRA. My pastor also demands 10 percent for God...But he’s the one who’s going to eat it.

And let’s not forget, being an African Child is not a blessing, it’s an investment. There’s black tax to pay. So, tell me, how many years will it take me to walk out of this debt? And by then... how old will I be?

Mazmatics

Let’s assume I get that 30K. Just an assumption.

After taxes, and after giving someone’s daughter 2k urgently, I decide to be more generous and start repaying Ksh 4,000 per month towards servicing the loan. Assuming I will be consistent like nanii in lying:

With the current interest rate of 4% per annum, it would take me 6 years to clear the loan. By then, I’ll be in my early thirties. Hii block nita toka kweli? When will I live life like my typical rapper? You know, fast cars, women, women in fast cars.

I haven’t had a mumama(yet), but I’m not ruling out that option. That might be my solid plan for “affordable housing”. Usini judge, but most importantly, usini advice. One does what one does to get ahead. It is what it is. Haven’t our ladies and men taught us so? Using what you have to get what you want? Shagging, discussing passion and pension with a wo(man) almost thrice my age just to get by?

As I contemplate working from home, sorry, I meant opening an OnlyFans account, you can tap tap the screen and send gifts. Tuma kitu, manze form sio poa.

I have tried to escape the matrix but I figured out the system is engineered to shackle us in debt. I knew something was deeply wrong when I saw my friend, an accounting graduate, CPA certified making the worst financial decisions I’ve ever witnessed. John Mbadi rada with the proposed 2025 finance bill? See, if even the “experts” are fumbling the bag, what hope is there for the rest of us?

As for me, I genuinely want to pay. The spirit is willing but my pockets are weak. At this rate, I might just have to leave my girlfriend alone before she asks me for a loan.

For now, my guarantors will have to bear the burden. They signed the document too. What were they thinking? Didn’t they you know my name starts with debt: Deni-s? Any way, that explains a lot why my favourite musician is Post Ma-loan; for I have tasted HELB and tasted Branch, Tala and Fuliza... I highly recommend IMF and the World Bank.

#RejectFinancebill 2025

As usual, live fully and love wholeheartedly. Remember to live is to love, and to love is to live. So:

📢 Backed by Popular Demand

The demand is higher than HELB’s interest rates. Unlike Must.. ama, wacha tu, I’ve listened. I’ll now be releasing two articles a month, every last Friday of the second week and last Friday of the fourth week. Keep reading, keep sharing... before your guarantors find you.