When You Are About to Shoot Your Shot but Realize She Still Calls Fries 'Njiva'
Lust Stop
Lust Stop!
It was ‘lust’ at first sight.
I stepped into the matatu, and there she was; the first person my eyes locked onto. The kind of girl who’s hotter than yours. Lanes my friend. Lanes! It’s a Sunday, and no, I’m not heading to church. I’m off to meet someone you don’t need to know.
The reasons and details are irrelevant to today’s sermon. Period. But come on, what’s the harm in admiring a Porsche 911 GT3 RS while cruising in a Rolls-Royce Phantom? Si dhani. After all, kama kitu ni kali, ni kali.
I even consider humming “I am happy today, so happy” as I make my way to the seat next to her. But since this is about “mambo ya dunia” a more fitting tune would be “leo me na dandia tu kama matt”
Clean wealth. Mali safi. Oh, and just like my charger-she’s my type, see? (see what I did there?) I’ve got to address her. I know the female versions of Amerix and Andrew Tate love to quip: "A man can undress who he dresses."
Uliskia wapii? Watch me.
If I steer the conversation vizuri, dropping a few lies here and there, selling my manifesto like nanii, who knows? I just might undress her...or better yet, get under her dress. Like this government’s transformative agenda, she’ll probably be at the Bottom while I am Up. (Hehe. Kasongo asione hii.)
As I approach her seat, she gestures for me to take the window spot. Happiest.
I like trying new things. Last night, I stumbled upon a YouTube video titled “6 Ways to Make a Woman Fall in Love With You Madly. The Fourth One Will Shock You.” Oh, the thumbnail was steamy. Hata kama ni wewe, would you have let that slide? I mean, you’d probably click it too, just to gather enough confidence to slide into her DMs.
Now, that’s exactly what I wanted to try out in this matatu. More of a practical class than theory. Just to see if it actually works. Lazima iwork. And if it does, I will definitely share the link with my boy Norman. Help him secure a woman before he officially bids goodbye to his prime. Otherwise, the streets will soon start referring to him as a Senior Bachelor. He’s been in the market for too long.
One minute passes. Two. Then three.
Where do I even start? Pickup line? The video advised to be both fun and funny. Should I look her in the eye and drop, “Soko ni chafu, but wewe ni mali safi? Or maybe, since it’s a Sunday, I should kick things off with a question. Something like: “Is your name Mary?” And then when she asks why, I hit her with, “Because umebarikiwa kuliko wanawake wote.”
Will that bring me closer to her, or completely ruin my chances? Ah, kwani iko nini? There’s no harm in trying. The worst she can say is “Staki stori zako.Unaboo...” But me? I stand by my Luhya people’s wisdom: Hakuna mkate ngumu mbele ya chai. Right?
Just before I unleash my pick-up lines, she makes a phone call:
“Sasa Jaymo. Uko aje? ... Hiyo ni poa. Manze umenitupa. Bado uko Kikuyu? Nilikuwa na come hivyo nione kama tunaweza meet, we catch up. It’s been a minute... Oh, ati uliama?... Wee, ati uliamia mlosi...ah, sawasawa. Otherwise...”
Dials Keypad. Again!
“Hi Kevoh. Za masiku? Bado unaishi Kikuyu? ... Sawa sawa ... wacha nitapitia hivyo nikugogotee alafu tuishie ile baze ya njiva.”
I haven’t said a word, but clearly, I’m not the only one in this matatu with “prospects.” Jaymo, now Kevoh...
A few thoughts cross my mind:
(a) Who even gives someone an impromptu call to “pass by”? On a Sunday? The day of the Lord. I thought you were supposed to alert someone a day or two in advance. That’s basic human decency. I mean, hii economy, we’re surviving on a budget. Sasa utakuja ukule? Stories? For real, if I were Kevoh, I’d simply say: “Niko...but kuja kama umekula”
What if I just want to relax? Maybe Jaymo was still in kikuyu, and he had plans for the day. And Kevoh... well, maybe just like the earth before creation: he was formless and desolate.
(b) Which lady still calls fries “Njiva”? Let me not even get started with “Mlosi” for Mlolongo. You, do you still refer to fries as njiva in 2025?
(c) And finally...how exactly is someone supposed to respond to “Otherwise?” Like, what do you even say? No other wise?
Wasted. She seemed good from far, but now she’s far from good. How can someone be this beautiful and still... you know. Now I know why ladies post their friends with that cliche caption, “Beauty with brains.” It’s a subtle way of saying, “We know there are some who come with the beauty part, minus the erm... brains.”
She has what I call “psychotic behaviours.” There are 3 on my list.
One- people who press the toothpaste tube from the middle instead of bottom-up. (Uweeh)
Two-those who comment on a YouTube music video with “2025, anyone?” Like yes, we’re all here.
And three- the most unforgivable, those watching TikTok videos on loudspeaker in a matatu.
She was guilty of the last one. No earphones. No shame. Why can’t you use earphones?
Complete turn off. I turn my gaze to enjoy the finer things that Mombasa Road has to offer. And what’s that, you ask? The Express way? Fancy Hotels? Malls? Maybe.
I pass by Mega and spot those fine Toyoras (yes, Toyoras- I refuse to say Toyota) and pristine Mercedes-Benzes gleaming behind the glass. Zero millage. Untouched. Unbothered. I sigh. One day, I tell myself. One day, I’ll have one of those machines in my possession, just so I never sit next to someone watching TikTok on loudspeaker again.
Uwongo is Our Shield and Defender
In that moment, another passenger in front of me picks up a call and boldly says “Eee, nimeingia gari za kuja hivyo. Sahi niko past Garden City”.
Liar.
Even on Sunday mnadanganya? The audacity. But then again, I presume the fish rots from the head. That hustler PhD holder lies. A lot. He’s a chronic liar. Politicians lie, and so does the common mwananchi. Tailors lie. Video editors lie. Graphic designers lie like it’s part of their job description. Men lie. Women lie. That person who has your debt lies. Talk of a lying nation. Uwongo is our shield and defender.
Before long, the Nairobi Sun starts melting me. Wait, when she gestured for me to take the window seat, I was happy because I thought maybe she was alighting soon, and I’d finally get a chance to inspect her...behind the scenes. Kumbe, she had done calculations on the sun’s angle of elevation and depression. Mungu mbona unaipatia punishment?
I started thinking of all the jokes that I had lined up for her. One after the other, ready to deliver like a seasoned stand-up. But that’s all it was. A dream.
Would she have loved them? Would she have tilted her head, giggled, and said, “Aww, aki wewe ni mfunny”? Would she have stood my jokes? No. I know she wouldn’t. Because alikuwa ameketi.
Cr{U}sh Landing
“Aki unaweza fungua windooow tafa?” She asks. Who even says “tafa”? I pretend not to have heard her. Not because of “tafa”, but because maybe that would have been her cue to ask me for a “favour” urgently. I don’t want to sponsor someone’s airtime or lunch budget. Not today.
“Shukisha Agip,” I tell the conductor, already halfway to the door. What did Wahenga say? “Mpanda gari hushuka.” Right? By this time, only one frustrating line of Bien’s song is stuck in my head: “Usiulize ka' niligonga niulize kile niliona”
As usual, live fully and love wholeheartedly. Remember to live is to love, and to love is to live. So:
Live and let live.
Adiós
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By this time, only one frustrating line of Bien’s song is stuck in my head: “Usiulize ka' niligonga niulize kile niliona”
“Is your name Mary?” And then when she asks why, I hit her with, “Because umebarikiwa kuliko wanawake wote.”😅
Great read!
😂😂😂
Thank you for the kind words 🙏🏾. I will re write the national anthem.. but if a Subaru comes to take me, I'll come to get you with me😂. It's either they take us to a Forest-er or we live a legacy 😂( see what I did there?)