Donning the Black Hat
But first, I have confessions to make before I forever hold my peace (Coup de Grâce)
WARNING: This article is sprinkled with Nitrous oxide- ‘laughing gas’, a touch of jargon, and some punny humor that only the fine folks of the Royal Society of Chemistry might fully appreciate. If you’re not part of this noble club, don’t fret! Tulia. Think of this as your chance to learn new terms and dazzle your friends with your newfound chemistry brilliance. Happy reading!
The Anticipation of New Beginnings
The Suit Saga
“Come Weno,” he told me after confirming my M-Pesa message. I was a little embarrassed to show him the message because my weak balance was lower than Ferdinand Omanyala’s 9.77 seconds’ record. There is no hurry in Africa. I Showed up on Sato instead. And when he saw me, the question he asked was evident that he hadn’t done the job.
“Ili kuwa leo? Was it a shirt or a trouser?”
“Ilikuwa suti”
“Ayayaya, fanya hivi, kuja Friday. Utapata iko ready” This game went on for almost 2 months.
As I pen this, I am happy to say that my suit hangs with an air of anticipation in the quiet corner of my wardrobe. It is destined for a momentous occasion. To any other person, it might be just a basic human need: clothing. But to me, it is an embodiment of achievement and new beginnings. Much like Bowery King told John Wick When he handed him the suit before his final fight in Chapter 4:
“After all, a man has to look his best whether it is time to get married or buried”.
Beside the suit, my brown oxford shoes sit polished and ready. These shoes, with their rich, warm hue and meticulous craftsmanship, symbolize the journey I have walked to reach this point. Mmmh, Uliza Kiatu.
I got three words for you if you want to beat the system of Kenyan tailors: mapema ndio best.
My turn to wear the black hat has come. I have been a gangster all my life but I know once the ceremony is over, those tu shiny things will be hanging around my neck. Min Denis. Nyar Bondo. Senior Empress, if you are reading this, just know your son wants roses. Si unajua I adore you the way the government “adores” its tax paying citizens. If anything, our relationship is stronger than a cocktail of Covalent, Ionic, and hydrogen bonds. But let thy will be done. Mimi sina uwezo.
The Clarity Before Confessions
Before the confessions, let me make one thing crystal clear!
I will preface all this by pointing out something that isn’t important to anyone except me: it took my mum a WHOLE year to fully comprehend what I was doing in Juja Boys. I can’t blame her. She grew up in the era of the big 4: Doctor, Lawyer, Teacher, Engineer. This course was not only novel to her but to my kinsmen too. They asked me what I was doing on campus. Despite explaining it, they didn’t quite get it. I knew this immediately they asked me the second question:
A chemist’s Identity Crisis
“Sasa ukimaliza hiyo utakuwa nani?”
“A chemist.”
It is the solid answer that I gave. It seems they didn’t view it as a profession. They took it as a basic noun- the name of a place, a person, or a thing. Rumors that I am getting from Kakamega are that I am a pharmacist. Notice, that is not the word they are using. I have used that to sound cool and add a little flair. To them, I am simply a person who works in a chemistry: DUKA LA DAWA! And that is what is bothering me. In criminal law, that is what is referred to as mistaken identity.
Who is a Chemist? (Beyond the Lab coat)
He/she is someone who puts on a white lab coat. Don’t confuse us for mtura guys. Unlike them, we use very sophisticated equipment that you’re not allowed to touch. I am not talking about a beaker or a spatula. Hapana. I am referring to the likes of GC, HPLC, or FAAS.
The periodic table is our dictionary and IUPAC (read as you pack) is our constitution. We formulate stuff, we come up with formulas, and we analyze things. We spend our days mixing mysterious liquids and powders to come up with products that you didn’t know they exist. Sometimes however we just end up staining our lab coats.
Chemistry 101
(Alright, let’s summarize 4 years of chemistry in 3 minutes with a touch of humor)
When you tell us ‘Send 2k urgently’, we can’t help but laugh and wonder why you are downplaying the situation. Don’t you know those are 2 atoms of Potassium, one of the most reactive elements on the periodic table? And if you think I am speaking in tongues, let it be known(for the record) that we can effortlessly draw a structure of perhydrocyclopentaphenanthrene (google, it’s a cool structure) and we can show you a Diels-Alder reaction with finesse.
Oh, the atom with atomic number 6, Carbon, is indispensable in our lives, playing a crucial role in both inorganic and organic chemistry, as well as in biochemistry and material science.
When a chemist, cracks a joke and it’s not funny, we don’t say it’s not humorous, we say it’s anhydrous. I mean, how else will you know that Ester is not just a name of a woman, Silicon isn’t just a valley in California, Noble isn’t someone with high moral principles, Compound isn’t just a gated community and Molar isn’t just a tooth?
If you find this a little funny, just know a chemist is in what we call an excited state.
Fact up (Fucked up), a heavy metal is not heavy. In fact, Doshi-Chuma ya nguvu is way heavier. How you interpret that statement is up to you, after all, I have used it as a double entendre. But as far as a chemist is concerned, he/she will tell you that I was referring to steel; an alloy of iron with carbon. Oh, before I forget – a chemist doesn’t just fart. They release a precise pop sound, often accompanied by a characteristic pungent smell.
Any way,
This post is not about chemistry; it’s about my campus experience. A little reflection of this incredible journey that has brought me(us) to this very moment. After all, to appreciate the sun, you have to know what the rain is. I just want to rant a little. Just a little before I forever hold my peace. Consider this my coup de grâce.
The Confessions Begin
Shhh! Remember What Happens in Juja stays in Juja
My experience at Juja Boys was nothing short of ordering a high-quality headphone online and ending up with a pair that sounded like a mix of a person experiencing a bad cold and a soprano. Everything I was told or expected about campus was totally off. They sold me a dream, just like they did to mama mboga and I(we) bought it- only to realize it was all smoke and mirrors. Turns out, kwa ground vitu ni different.
Tech House: Expectations Vs Reality
For instance, if I mention the word ‘tech house’ and allow your imagination to soar. I am sure you would conjure up thoughts of those scenes in movies with servers, motion detector doors, people using fingerprints to get access to certain rooms et cetera. Turns out there is nothing ‘techie’ about that house. Big window panes and architectural studios are what you will see.
The Library Myth
I desperately hoped my campus life would play out like those scenes from high school drama movies. You know, walking into the library and bumping into a lady carrying a stack of books. Her books would topple to the floor, and I (being a gentleman) would rush to help her collect them. Our hands would brush as we reached for the same books, leading to a shy smile and the start of a meaningful connection.
But reality turned out differently. Students don’t even read those big big books. They are gathering dust on the shelves, their pages rarely turned. Only a few people visit that sacred place.
The library was mostly filled during exam time. On normal days it was just a quiet hall with study tables and empty seats. When present, students were either absorbed in their laptops and phones, scrolling through PDFs(either using WPS or Adobe Acrobat reader) or, they were pirating movies courtesy of the fast internet connection. Eduroam manenoz.
Campus Hakuna Masomo...Uliskia Wapi?
The mother of all lies however was ‘campus hakuna masomo.’ Hiyo ni uwongo,cause uweeh, my course demanded that I read. But it wasn’t ati thaaat serious. It is not that I was in that crew that aimed for the bare minimum. You know those who tell you ati:
“Average ya CATs nilipata 8, and assignments and report I had a 6. So main exam nasaka 26 out of 70”
Their aim was not to get a supplementary.
I aimed for the highest marks possible. Let me explain why I have confessed it wasn’t thaaat serious. You see, since we joined the 8-4-4 system, education has been more about memory than understanding. You could pick a PDF or scanned notes a day to exam or CAT and perform just as well. This was made possible by those lecturers who were highly predictable.
Predictable Lecturers
May God bless those lecturers who would bring exams directly from past papers. Those who would duplicate things the way they were. The only thing that they would change was the year. There are two problems, however. One, if they fail to repeat what you read in past papers (talk of putting all your eggs in one basket), or two, if they repeat a past paper and you didn’t bother to go through it, that’s when you will realize life isn’t fair. You will see people finishing a 2-hour exam within 30 minutes while you are still struggling with question one.
Some Lecturers Though!
Mbona? Mbona? Mbona? – Daddy Owen
Some lecturers showed up like the devil on one mission: to steal (missing marks) kill and destroy with their hard exams and CATS. Why examine what you didn’t teach in class? Ati McLafferty rearrangement, seriously? My polymer structure lecture, wouldn’t give us a proper assignment. Imagine being told to summarise a 50-page PDF document and submit it as an assignment while having life-threatening pressure to finish working on your project and read for the exams.
Some of us decided to outsmart him by submitting a photocopy of the notes. Imagine that Mzee gave me a 2/20(I am angry). After embracing technology, paying close to 100 bob at the cyber to get a 2.Mbili! That’s heartless. My boy Oigara laughed at me. He laughed so hard. And it is not that our marks combined would buy a Fresh or a pin pop. In fact, his was Ruto’s “mambo ni matatu.” He had a solid 3/20. But hey, a win is a win.
No hard feelings, at least the lecturer did a slightly better job than what Ruto is doing with our economy. As a country, it’s about time we swallow the bitter finance pill and acknowledge the whole Bottom Up concept was better in theory than practical. Just the way some lecturers would examine what they didn’t teach in class.# Traitors! (They deserve some serious Andrew Kibe’s whips)
The Harambee Spirit: That’s How We Roll
Maybe I lost an A in that unit, but the things I will never lose are the memories I made and the cool friends I met. These friends had my back, whether on or off campus. If one of us finished an assignment first, they would share it with the rest, and we’d spice it up kidogo. Changing the font from Calibri to Times New Roman. If there was a graph and the gradient was 3.89, you go extra and add an extra decimal point to make it look unique. 3.8967567 and present it as your own.
The last-minute rush disease made us go above and beyond to seek reinforcement from the works of other students and do some serious digging. You know, examining assignments from 6 different people and presenting a comprehensive final work. As the author, Wison Mizner humorously puts it:
“if you copy from one author, it’s plagiarism, but if you copy from many, it’s research”.
As many as are of that opinion say "Aye”... Ayeeeeeeeeeeee. I think the "Ayes" have it.
To be more precise, the assignments were more of an "et al." effort, a collective project rather than an individual task. When young we were meant to believe it was called copying, but now that I am wiser, I know it’s a way of coping(get the difference).
During exams, we could sit in formations for the sake of refreshing memory. Enyewe there is a reason why they coined the phrase ‘degree in Harambee’. If you are a beneficiary of this “program” at least buy your formation master a soda and tell them, “We made it.” Long live the Harambee spirit.
K is Constant
All great inventors since Isaac Newton would agree with me that K has always been, and will forever remain a constant. By K, I don’t mean that pathetic friend of yours who is too lazy to type ‘okay’ or the K in Kenya which stands for corruption (although I am not ruling that out). No. In university, K stands for Kuinama. This brilliant invention helped students survive and combat the high cost of living. Ever wonder what Isaac Newton was doing when he saw that apple fall and asked why it went straight down, rather than sideways or up? You don’t need a degree to figure it out, probably alikuwa anainama. Si it’s me who is telling you.
Final Bow
It Takes a Village
We couldn’t have made it this far without the unwavering support of our parents, guardians, and sponsors (including the CDF bursaries). To our brothers and sisters who sent us “kakitu” via Mpesa so that we wouldn't go to bed hungry, thank you. Thank you all for sharing in and believing in our dreams. Though we may be men and women of little substance at the moment, one day, we will make you all proud. Just wait and watch us.
Remembering the Fallen Comrades
We also remember our esteemed comrades whom we lost along the way. We wish we could be celebrating this day together, but God giveth and God taketh away. It was all fun while it lasted amigo. Until we meet again, you remain forever in our hearts.
Looking Ahead
I am a little nervous about this particular day. If I could look into a crystal ball or conduct a litmus test to see how things would turn in the near future, I would. Will it turn red, blue, or purple? Only time will tell. But we remain hopeful that things will get better and the K won’t remain constant out there.
If I could have a catalyst to speed up this process ya kuomoka or kutoka kwa block I would have given you, especially now that the government is proving to be a concentrated inhibitor to this process. With the controversial Finance Bill, things are set to get dirtier than my incognito search history.#Reject Finance Bill.
I am saying this with a respectful nod to the staggering unemployment rate ( you know how it is when you don’t know people in this country). For now, we will have to trust the process.
With the controversial Finance Bill, things are set to get dirtier than my incognito search history.
With Great Power...
Every finish line marks the beginning of a new race, or so they say. Honestly, Uncle Ben’s life-changing words to Peter Parker in the Spider-Man comics have never rung louder in my head: ‘With great power, comes great responsibility’. If you are a Christian, you might translate it according to Luke 12:48: ‘From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.’ Can I get an Amen? Anyone?
See you all at the G-spot (G for graduation) where our student loans will officially begin their epic quest for repayment. Fly high graduands, and good luck dodging those HELB bills. Ama namna gani?
And if you ask me how I made it this far, without a shadow of a doubt, I’ll confidently tell you what your friend will say after hitting it big: “Ni God, manzee!”
Hats Off!
Mazel tov, graduands!
Here’s to the stressful years of studying the whole syllabus the night before the exam, last-minute rush assignments, and the occasional ‘kuinama’—may your careers be as successful as your ability to survive an entire semester on Chapo beans hapo kwa mathee(tulighula). Cheers!
Clinks glass🥂
In the words of Kanye West: “I guess this is my dissertation. Homie this shit is basic, welcome to Graduation.”
As usual, live fully and love wholeheartedly. Remember to live is to love, and to love is to live. So:
Live and let live.
Adiós
If you’ve read this far, remember to subscribe/share my blog. It helps in the growth of this platform and in reaching out to a wider audience. Will you share it?
As I await the big day, I find myself immersed in "Graduation" by Vitamin C. That song captures that bittersweet feeling of moving on and leaving behind a phase of life and its lyrics hit home, especially this part:
"But when we leave this year, we won't be coming back. No more hanging out 'cause we're on a different track. And if there's something on your mind, something you need to say, you better say it right now. Because tomorrow might never come."
%3Amax_bytes(150000)%3Astrip_icc()%2Fgermany--emmering--senior-man-standing-in-chemistry-lab--smiling--portrait-108346640-5b8c100546e0fb0025ec3b46.jpg&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.thoughtco.com%2Fchemistry-101-introduction-and-index-of-topics-607840&docid=emHjDpq8YPBiIM&tbnid=mbEkJ8r7HF5qMM&vet=12ahUKEwjYrOTqxvOGAxWr-AIHHYCOA7EQM3oECFAQAA..i&w=1500&h=998&hcb=2&ved=2ahUKEwjYrOTqxvOGAxWr-AIHHYCOA7EQM3oECFAQAA){kind=link}
Good work DA ... 💯 ... Reading your article exactly a month after graduation made me realize I will deeply miss many many memories made in campus ... You penned out the campus experience like a true artist...
Great memories in campus and just like that four years are over.Superb work wordsmith😁