{38} RaNdOm ThOuGhTs
Don’t Quote Me, But These Are Facts (Si ni Me Nakushow)
17. If your friend breaks their phone screen, look them in the eye and say: “Kuuliza swali ni bure, kujibiwa ni bure ... kwenda na screen protector ndio pesa.”
31. Getting robbed or conned in Nairobi is a rite of passage. In fact, it’s highly recommended you lose something here early on. The sooner, the better.
3. It’s called “Taking a walk” when you have money; otherwise, you are “loitering”. Or, to be more precise, “unapiga maraundi” you hear?
22. Waah! Sa utado?
28. There are many things this country lacks- roads, jobs, justice- but one thing we don’t need is another wines and spirits shop. Just throw a stone in your neighbourhood and I swear, it’ll land on the neck, not of a person but a bottle of spirits.
29. Facts: There are way more spirits than wine in those wines and spirits shops.
37. There are seven SI units of measurement- and then there’s IG: the standard unit of pressure. Instagram is where peer pressure is manufactured and standards are set. It makes you believe everyone is living their best life... except you!
21. My love language is words of confirmation. Words like “nikuekee kwa number gani?” “Eee, weka kwa hii number”
30. Fun fact: Mama fua is into wash wash business.
14. Nyash! It has built empires ... and broken hearts and relationships. But hey, to whom much nyash is given, much is also expected. It’s biblical.
15. Man shall not live for nyash alone. Get a purpose, my guy.
27. I come from a place where people don’t grow up with a silver spoon or silver plate, but somehow, they have a silver tooth.
1. Besha. Dooh. Chums. Cheda. Bread. Mullah. Hela. Kichele. Mukuchu. Maziwa. Bag. Ganji. Mang’ondo. Pake. Pesa. Extensive research done by me shows money has more synonyms and euphemisms than any other word in the world. Sex comes second, work third.
34. There is “bei” and then there is “bei ya kuongea”. My advice? “Fika bei”. Kwani shi’ngapi?
11. If an atheist comes to borrow your money, don’t give them a cent. Just look them in the eye and say, ‘Ni God manze.’ I mean- why are they asking for money that was clearly given to you by God?
23. Did you know the world is full of people who start things and never finish them? They’re called DJs. Because why on earth won’t they ever let a song play to the end?
7. You haven’t suffered heartbreak until you are dumped by a babe whose IG bio says “God’s Favourite.” You’ll be a living testimony that God works in mysterious ways. Anyway, God’s case, no appeal.
13. Chapatis have the same regard to pancakes. Just like you and me: They need that dough. Nataka hiyo dooh!
4. Don’t just know many people. Purpose to know the right people. The kind who come to mind when you say, “Do you know who I am?... Unajua mimi ni nani wewe?”
5. But my Everest-sized ego will still ask you “kwani unadhani wewe ni nani?”. I, too, know people in high places, people who can take you to even higher places. That high place is called Juja (Juu-ja). Nani ako na lighter? (on a light note, hehe)
32. If you’re invited to a housewarming party, carry a matchbox and some charcoal. That’s the only logical way to make the event lit.
19. Dear men, the alphabet has 26 letters. If Agnes doesn’t work, there’s still Betty, Caro, Diana, Esther, Faith... you get the idea. And the same applies to ladies. There’s Austine, Bernard, Clement, Denis(mmh), Erick, and so on. My point? Don’t get stuck in a toxic relationship. Also, ukiachwa achika!
8. Sure, nyash can get you a seat at the table, but it won’t keep you there. Why? Refer to number 15. So... what else are you bringing to the table? Me? I bring the whole damn table.
26. Can a lady in heels make silent moves?
2. A lot of things are wrong in this country, but nothing beats this: A young man, a kijana, being called mzee. Mmh. Anyway, we mzee.
6. Bro to bro: Condomize. Wrap it before you dip it. Have you seen the price of diapers?
35. ‘Dragon moto testing. Dragon moto testing. Waaah.’ Giving a shout out to Stevo. But is he really simple?
18. If you don’t know what it is, you don’t know what it is. Kama hujui hujui.
24. Isn’t it weird that “W” starts with the letter “D”?
25. And speaking of “D” ...Why do DJs keep reminding us of their names every 2 minutes? Do they think we’ve got a short attention span, or is it because they want to make a lasting impression? Scratch that.
12. Kuna watu wa beamer, watu wa Mercedes, watu wa Subaru, and then there is you: Mtu wa watu.
36. In Africa, the next president is almost always worse than the current one. Somehow, that drunkard was much better than the hustler PhD holder. In fact, he must...ama wacha tu.
10. The economy is so rough that people who are selling cashew nuts are not making any money.
9. Swali. Can a person who is afraid of heights brag that s/he’s lonely at the top?
38. Two important women in a man’s life: Mama Mzazi and Mama Mboga.
16. They said I wouldn’t go far. Joke’s on them. Have you seen the number of steps on my smartwatch today?
33. Does a Lorry or a bus qualify as a “gari kubwa’?
20. Every tombstone tells a story. The question is- what will yours say? Me, I am still writing mine. But one thing’s for sure: before you die, live. Life is for the living- so live it. Live fully, and love wholeheartedly. Remember to live is to love, and to love is to live. So:
More Humorous Articles by D.A
Now, as you ponder these thoughts, I’ll leave you with Jamnazi Africa’s Riziki- because pia mimi, Nalo Jambo lanisumbua akili
I can say the content is on point, I love the creative and the art that you've used to express your thoughts effortlessly, the last part caught my eye, life has no manual, just got to be happy in every slight opportunity one has
Umejipiga own goal with that Denis one! 😂😂😂😂